11 POIS THROUGH SELF-CONTROL

Fifty Years ago, I was invited to pastor a church of 3,000 members, which at thattime was considered a large church. During the first year, I took measures to add individuals to my staff, including an associate minister who seemed eminently qualified.

One day, during a private meeting in my office, I made a statement which, for the life of me, I cannot recall at the moment. I was seated behind my desk and he had sat down on the divan against the far wall. He misunderstood what I was saying, and took it as a personal insult. He glowered as he warned me, "You know, I'm a former prize fighter, and if you take this kind of an approach, I'll be forced to mop up the gutter with you."

Well, that flew all over me. I could feel the blood leaving my face. I arose slowly from my chair, moved with measured and slow tread around the desk over to where he sat, grabbed him by his shirt and tie, and raised him to his feet (he was a much bigger man than I). With my index finger I started poking his sternum as I said, "Throw the first punch, and your mother will be sorry she ever brought you into this world. "

It was puerile. It was God-dishonoring. It was inexcusable. He was wrong in what he concluded and what he said. I was inexcusably wrong in my response.

His face blanched. I am sure that with his size and his experience, he could have whipped me, but at that time, neither he nor I believed it.

The next morning when I arrived at the office, I asked for him. I had endured a sleepless night. I wanted to apologize and ask his forgiveness. He had not shown up. After some investigation, I found that he had left town at midnight with his family and had left instructions for a moving company to pack up his things and send them to a location that they would not divulge to me.

Three years passed by. In the meantime, every time I reflected upon that experience, I grew sick inside. I knew that if I had many repetitions of that experience, I could drop dead of a massive stroke or a heart attack. The cardiovascular system simply could not tolerate the damage I was inflicting upon it. (Incidentally, two of my good friends—men of senior status and great business achievements—dropped dead in the midst of such explosions of anger.)

Three years later, after I had moved to another city, my executive assistant said, "Reverend So-and-so has phoned to see if you will accept a call from him." I said, "Of course. I've been trying to find him."
In a few hours, the call came through and my former assistant said, "I need to say something."
I interrupted him and said, "No, I must say something, and I must say it before you say a word." I then apologized to him in as complete and contrite and God-honoring a manner as I knew how. I asked for his forgiveness. I told him that the Lord had forgiven me, and I wanted his forgiveness.
It was a beautiful meeting by long-distance phone.

Since that time, my desire to honor the Lord and my passion for self-preservation have combined to throttle any tendency to explode. During the last half a century hence, I have become annoyed and irritated, but never angry like I experienced on that occasion and on some occasions before it.

Had the Lord not given me victory in controlling my emotions, I believe that I would not only have disgraced the Lord, but I would have long since been dead.

Never make the mistake of retaliating

Never retaliate when others hurt you. In retaliating you may force them to pay the price of their behavior toward you, but the cost to you will be far greater. The Bible tells us that we must love our enemies (see Matthew 5:44). As long as you go on hating your enemies you are giving them the sovereignty of your own life. You are literally forcing them to dominate you.

For instance, imagine there is a man who has wronged you. You loathe him. Your loathing becomes a festering personality sore. You so detest him you would not welcome him into your home. You would not permit him to fraternize with your relatives. You would not invite him to eat at your table or spend the night in your guest room. Yet, all the time you are busy hating him, you are already "entertaining" him in your bloodstream, in your brain cells, in your nerve fibers, in your muscles, and in the marrow of your bones. You are giving him power over your sleep, power over your blood pressure, power over your health, power over your happiness. You are insisting that he destroy your body and disintegrate your effectiveness. What on earth is the good of that?

Some years ago Life magazine carried an article on high blood pressure. In that article the statement was made thatthe chief personality trait of people with high blood pressure is resentment. What a price to pay for lack of self-control! The sufferers are paying financially in doctors' bills and medical assistance. They are paying emotionally with shattered nerves. They are paying in reduced efficiency, resulting in decreased income. They are paying domestically in strife with family members on whom they project their bitterness and misery. What a price!

Learn a lesson from our Lord, in whose steps we are commanded to follow: "Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously" (1 Peter 2:23). Well did the wise Solomon say, "Better ... [is] he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city" (Proverbs 16:32b).

Reflect for a moment upon the poise of the great Abraham Lincoln. In the anguish of his most grief-producing hours, he exercised poise. Had it not been for this quality it is doubtful that the Civil War would have ended in victory for the Union Army. It is highly doubtful his name would have been immortalized had it not been for his magnificent ability to retain poise and stay calm. Men in his own cabinet were disloyal to him, trying on several occasions to discredit his name. To his back they made light of him, scoffed at his limited education, and sneered at his rustic ways. Realizing that their disloyalty was to him personally, and realizing further that they possessed qualities making them essential to our nation, the ex-railsplitter exercised self-control, disregarding the insults his colleagues heaped upon him.

Practice self-control in the face of criticism

In attaining the mastery of self-control you must learn how to conquer criticism. I do not mean that you should try to avoid criticism; you will find that impossible. Nor do I mean that you should subdue criticism—that will prove counterproductive. You can conquer it, however, by treating it in the right way.

Once again, follow the example of our Lord, who answered His critics so often with silence. Our Lord defended other people. He defended the Word of God. He defended the work of His heavenly Father. He defended little children. Yet He never defended Himself!

Usually you will find it wise not to answer your critics, tempting though it may be to do so. "Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him" (Proverbs 26:4).

Ask yourself what answering criticism will achieve. Your friends don't need an answer, because you retain their confidence. Instead, listen to the criticism objectively. Don't allow yourself to become emotionally involved. Sometimes you can profit from the criticism. If the criticism is just, do something about it. If the criticism is unjust, ignore it.

On the other hand, if your enemies criticize you, so what? That's what enemies do. And remember that unjust criticism is often a backhanded compliment. It often indicates that you have excited the interest, jealousy, and envy of the critic. As the old adage goes, "No one ever kicks a dead dog."

Wise words from my father

My father gave me a formula for handling criticism which I have found helpful.

He said, "John, when somebody blows up at you, listen calmly and with a smile on your face. When they finish say, 'Is that all?' They will doubtlessly erupt again, but not as long nor as heatedly as before. When they are done, once again ask, 'Is that all?' Keep doing this until finally they have nothing more to say. With exasperation they may say, 'Well, is that not enough?' At that point, with calmness and still with a smile, pull the arrow out of your quiver that most succinctly and powerfully squelches the criticism. You will have retained your poise, and you may save a friendship. On the other hand, if the criticism is just, thank them for it and ask for their advice."

Dad used this procedure with great effect.

He was traveling by train in the chair car from Bing-hamton, New York, to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, seated next to a prominent Philadelphia lawyer. The lawyer engaged my father in conversation. During the conversation, the lawyer remarked on the headlines of the paper. My father said, "It appears to me that this development could be a fulfillment of Bible prophecy."
"I disagree," protested the lawyer with some vigor.
"You can't."
"But I certainly can. I am free, intelligent, and articulate. I certainly can disagree with you." The lawyer was now quite worked up emotionally.
Finally, my father said, "I didn't say what it appears to you; I said what it appears to me."
"Oh," said the lawyer.
Not satisfied to let my father win that round, as it were, the lawyer said, "Now tell me, Reverend, if Adam had never sinned, would the death of Jesus Christ on the cross have been necessary?"
Though the question sounded innocent enough, he was again indulging in a brand of criticism that endeavored to "put down" my father.
Dad, who had been trained in law though he did not reveal that to his traveling companion, said, "I thought you were a lawyer."
"I am," said the lawyer with some force.
"Well," said my father, "Are you practicing currently?"
"I am."
"Where?"
"In Philadelphia. In fact, I practice before the State Supreme Court."
My father said, "And in that court is it permitted to ask hypothetical questions?"
"Oh," said the lawyer, realizing that Dad had answered his challenging question without answering it.

It is true that my father was winding the lawyer up a little. He did not mean to. He innocently enough made an observation as part of what appeared to be a casual and entertaining conversation. Had my father not handled the situation the way he did, the relationship could have turned sour.

When people badmouth you

In 1965, a prominent evangelist made some vicious accusations about me. He did not know me that well. He had no basis, in fact, for the accusations. I was just about to pick up the phone and call him (since the Bible says that we must not allow things like this to "fester") when I received a call from Wichita, Kansas, where I had held a citywide crusade in the Forum in 1960.

The chairman of the committee had been instructed to invite me to return for a citywide crusade. I told him that I was honored by the invitation to return to one of America's great cities, but that I must decline since my schedule was full for the next three years.
He then asked me if I had a recommendation. I said, "Yes," and I recommended this man who was criticizing me all over the nation.
In about a week, I received a letter from the Wichita committee, in which they asked, "Are you aware of what this fellow is saying about you? Are you sure we ought to invite him for a meeting?"
I phoned the chairman and said (with my tongue in my cheek), "Though he, unlike you and I, does not understand what a perfectly wonderful person I am, he is a capable man, a great preacher, a good evangelist, and the Lord will bless the city through his ministry."
On my recommendation, they invited him to come. He came. Though I never did get to see him and though I never heard from him, I learned that thousands of people in the Wichita area were positively influenced by his outstanding ministry.

You find out what people really think when they're mad at you

Anyone in leadership knows that criticism goes with the job. You constantly have to make decisions, and with every option you choose, there will be somebody waiting to tell you what a big mistake you've made.

Clergy probably come in for more criticism than any other profession. If the minister wears a black suit, the critics say, "Who does he think he is—Digger O'Dell?" If he wears a sport coat, the critics question, "What is he trying to do, imitate a movie star?"

If he has five children, critics say, "He can't afford such a family. Why doesn't he use better sense?" If he has only one child, they quip, "Doesn't he know the Bible says that we are to be 'fruitful and multiply'?"

If he visits the poor, they say he is showing off. If he visits the rich, they say he is playing politics.

If he drives a Mercedes Benz, they say he ought to drive a car priced within his means. If he drives a Toyota Corolla, they say, "What's he trying to do, embarrass us by letting people think we don't pay him enough?"

If he preaches 40 minutes, they say he is longwinded. If preaches 20 minutes they ask, "What's the matter, didn't he study last week?"

If he leaves town for important speaking engagements, they complain, "He ought to stay home and take care of the flock." If he stays home and never goes away, they howl, "What's the matter, doesn't anyone else want him either?"

My father gave me some good advice when I entered the ministry. He said, "John, listen to what people say when they are mad. That's what they really mean."
A man flies off the handle. He says some nasty things. After he cools down he comes back and says, "I really didn't mean that." Of course he meant it! If he had not thought it, he would not have said it, for God's Word makes it clear that "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh" (Matthew 12:34b). He didn't draw those words and thoughts out of thin air. They were in his heart beforehand.

While I am no disciple of Freud, I do believe in the so-called Freudian slips. When a person writes me a letter in longhand and crosses out one word and writes down another, I have been known to spend 15 or 20 minutes holding that letter up to the light, trying to decipher the word crossed out. In all probability that was what he really meant.

There is another lesson here, of course. Angry criticism can arouse an angry response in you. When you answer criticism volcanically, however, you lose possession of many of your faculties. Your thoughts become inaccurate, your decisions unwise, and your words regrettable.

How to cope at the critical moment

Let me tell you a little habit I have formed that has served me well.

As I have admitted, by nature I am very explosive. After all, I am half-Syrian, and people from that part of the world are not famous for being phlegmatic. When God called me into the ministry, He impressed upon me the fact that by His grace my spirit must be completely dominated by Him if I were to be an effective ambassador of the Court of Heaven.

I memorized and meditated upon 2 Timothy 2:24,25: "The servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient. In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth."

Now here is the procedure I have followed when the provocation of unjust criticism has sorely tempted me to lose my head.

Through sheer conscious effort I try to listen objectively. I look at the person who is venting his anger on me. But I do not see him, for I am imagining myself as a huge elephant walking down the street. Over by the curb (and, I am sometimes inclined to think, in the gutter) a little ant is spitting at the elephant. Ludicrous? Precisely. It helps my sense of humor. Now then, does the elephant feel threatened by the ant? Of course not. Does the elephant stop and get involved in an argument? Of course not. The elephant just serenely moves on by.

All I can say is that this certainly works for me and I have no copyright on it. It keeps me in complete possession of my faculties so that I can think clearly and quickly, talk judiciously, and act wisely.

An American statesman was once quoted as saying, "Never lose your temper, unless you do it on purpose." That's a statement worth thinking about.

Let's go back to Abraham Lincoln for just a moment. While he was an occupant of the White House, some loquacious "smut sprayers" and "character assassinators" spreadthe rumor that he was living with a black woman. What did the President do? Nothing. This man of poise had learned that in a fight with a skunk you might win the fight, but you will smell awful afterwards!

A vital relationship with God through Christ will result naturally in self-control. When you possess self-control, you will refuse to respond to criticism with smug complacence, worldly courtesy, patronizing condescension, or vindictive retaliation. You will respond with love that is not compatible with worry-producing fear:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. —1 John 4:18